I sat down to create a bucket list of things I’d like to accomplish within the next two years. Creating my list was a breeze until I hit 10, then suddenly I had to consider every moment where I thought of new things to try and do, but quickly convinced myself I never would or could.
I’m introducing the old me to the new me who says I can and I will.
I didn’t get the idea to begin this list until I came across a profile on Twitter titled, “Things To Do In 2015” with a username of @BreakUpList. I did a bit of research (more like, profile stalking) and learned of the woman behind this fantastic idea.
After a failed long-term relationship, Ali Burns created a list of things she had meant to do but never got around to doing. Her list now has over 300 things she’d like to accomplish and the simplistic complexity of what she wants to get done made me chuckle in awe. Ali has traveled to Thailand, been apart of a flash mob, featured on Huffington Post, but has yet to ask someone out or for someone’s phone number, just two of the simple things lingering on her list. I am grateful that she took the time to publicize her journey and because of it, it has inspired me to shape my own.
So without further ado, I present to you, my very own, Things To Do List 2015-2016.
Some listings are lifetime goals, but I will try my hardest to get through most of this within the next two years.
Thursday, April 30th, will mark two weeks of not speaking to my ex. We tried remaining friends, but it became this watered down version of still being in a relationship. I’ve been gone now for almost three months, but I was, and still am, holding on to this version of us in my head. For one week straight, I just couldn’t wrapped my mind around the break-up. I was hurting all over again and I couldn’t understand why. We had normal text conversations. Joking. Teasing. We talked about what went on during our day and what was going on in our minds. We shared advice. We continued to share dreams. Then, I realized, I was the only one bringing up things about our relationship. I would ask him questions I had asked a hundred times before. I told him I was looking for closure and asked that we speak on the phone once. We did. I spoke. I cried. I asked. I cried a bit more. Even after trying to release him, I still couldn’t understand it. If we disagreed on something, we were back to arguing as if we were still in the relationship, finger pointing, him getting defensive and me being self-righteous.
Just the other night, I had a conversation with a friend that brought a number of unwanted, but welcomed, emotions to the surface. She had given me a Face Time call and I had answered right away. Now, this may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but for me, this is growth, the part where I answered (answering right away was just a bonus). My close friends know that I’m not a fan of talking on the phone, whether it be phone call or video chat, so in the midst of making sense of my failed relationship, I’ve also been practicing talking on the phone more; Gold star sticker for me.
She and I spoke for about two hours. She is a newbie in the heartbreak game, for the most part. Long story short, her ex-boyfriend, of three years, betrayed her and now her ‘Make Sense of this Shit’ meter is all screwed up. I was once there, so I can relate to her pain especially since we are virtually on the same path in life for the time being. I try to comfort her with my crappy advice, but it is advice nonetheless. I’m a bit ahead of her in this race, which I continue to remind her when she tearfully questions how is it that I can be so happy right now?
Got dammit. Can I just write?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hit the delete button. I’ve aggressively hit delete so many times within the past ten minutes that the key is beginning to stick.
Why can’t I write without judging what I’ve written? I barely can make it three paragraphs in and already I’ve said screw this.