17.5.15

Disorderly Universe

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At times, I overextend myself in order to make amends with mistakes of my doing and of others.

So many people speak about the aligning of stars and how it’s pure perfection.

If I could align myself, then I wonder what the universe would be like for me?

For the past three months, so much has become situational. Situational loneliness. Situational happiness. Situational sadness.

Depending on the situation, the tides of my emotions change rapidly and I can’t seem to figure out why.

It’s 9:15 p.m. and I’m sitting outside looking up at the stars as I type this. Right now, I’m experiencing situational confusion.

I don’t know what my relationship is to my ex. I’ve sat around many nights trying to align this topic with hopes of adding much needed clarity, but I think I might have fooled myself.

We speak.

Our trial run of no longer talking didn’t work out too well, but it was forced, at least for me, so I didn’t expect it to last long. Now, I don’t really know what we’re doing.

During my situational confusion, I often wish he’d come out the blue and say he met someone. It would put an end to this self-inflicted torture.

I wonder if he met someone else? I wonder what his someone else will be like? Will she be more like him? Introverted. Closed off thinker. Secretive. Soft spoken. Will she be more of a homemaker or the modern woman? If a homemaker, she’ll definitely give me a run for my money. It took my months to do laundry on more than one occasion.

I wonder what he’ll find to be better with her that wasn’t so great with me? Will she sing or play the piano? Will she fulfill every one of his desires? Will he love her beyond the stars of their universe? Will he cherish her? Will he never lie to her? Will he make love to her every night? Will she be gluten free? Will she have blue or green eyes? Will she have black or brown hair? Will she love kids? Will she love animals? Will she be daring? Will she make him happy? Will he make her happy?

Will she love him more than I did?

How will I take the news? Will I even get the news?

If I didn’t have to wonder, that would be wonderful.

Maybe I should place ‘YES!’ after every question, tie my laces and keep on walking.

Situational confusion is pretty damn confusing. I’d rather erase him than bare the thought of knowing he’s in the arms of another. I’m sure the feeling will fade. I’m sure I’ll be happy to see him happy with another, one day. But, when? When does the confusion end?

Where does this confusing friendship go?

Where do I go from here?

Where do I place in this universe?

Do I even place?

Will I see a shooting star?….


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Kanisha Michelle

planting seeds of light in a dark world one word at a time.

let us ascend.

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