A solid month has almost passed since my last blog posting and for once in my recent waking life, I am pissed off with myself. Before I placed my blog together, I promised myself I would remain committed to my progress of self. I promised myself that this blog wouldn’t become another virtual wasteland. Yet, I abandoned my progress. I abandoned myself.
I recently caught wind of a fellow classmate from high school having her own blog. Of course, I did what anyone would do and I stalked her site. All in all, her site was a reflection of herself and of her values, so there was nothing to criticize. I would rather give out gold star stickers than criticism any day, but that is besides the point.
After going through her blog, I found myself becoming weighed down with anger, envy, and jealously. Her blog, merely a year old, had a recent blog posting with 65,000 Facebook shares. I could not wrap my mind around the response she received. The posting, in my eyes, was average. It wasn’t badly written, but it wasn’t something that hadn’t been said a thousand times before.
How could she be so popular in such a short amount of time and why wasn’t I where she was?
I am not proud of holding on to such hate for a fellow blogger, but I am human so I did what was humanly possible for me in that moment and I welcomed every one of those negative setbacks. Oddly enough, the weight of jealously, envy, and anger didn’t weigh on me long and it gave me the much needed kick in the ass I deserved.
As the wave of feelings settled, I wasn’t angry, envious, nor jealous of her. I was disappointed with myself. I was angry with myself.
One thing she didn’t lack was consistency and bingo, you’ve guessed it. I lack just that.
Within the sea of crashing emotions I experienced after witnessing her success, I realized that there is a portion of me who is still stuck within a dark corner, dimming my own light to the world. When I saw a person I knew of from my past doing better than me, someone who came from some of the same places I came from, I defensively jumped up with thoughts of, “Why her and not me? I am just as good, if not better.” But being “good” is nothing without the belief that greatness can come from something miniscule. She is where she is within the blogging world, because she possesses enough confidence in her craft to keep on showing the world her light. She has gained a loyal following base because she remains consistent with her skill. Her success is not solely based on being good enough, it’s by being better than.
Luckily, my twenty-three years of wisdom allowed me to harness my initial negative reaction into a positive jump start by getting pissed off with my lack of self-confidence, my numbing fear and dimming thoughts.
Here and now, I say no more.
World, I welcome myself to you. I will harvest and shine the light God intended me to shine.
Go get pissed off with yourself and drag that portion of you out from the darkness. Your light deserves to shine.