“What is it that you want, Michelle?” A question so innocent in nature, but so terrifying underneath its delicate tone. It was the only question I was unable to address while I spent time away from a draining external reality over the weekend. Reluctant to answer, I stored it away as my pen began to nudge out a sentence or two, but my fire needed to be stoked. “What is it that you want?” Hunger seemed to claw at me, so I fixed a can of soup over the fire I recently stoked. “What is it that you want?” Too tired to reply after a satisfying meal, I closed my notebook. As I zipped myself into my sleeping bag, preparing for a pleasant midday nap, once again, the question presented itself like a persistent next door neighbor looking to borrow a cup of sugar who hadn’t realized that I was hiding behind the peephole all along.
“What is it that you want, Michelle?” I wish I could say that an answer miraculously came to me before I drifted to sleep under that afternoon sun, but I shoved the question down into the forgotten places of my sleeping bag. Now, as I lay here choking on words I left unsaid, my avoidance is manifesting itself into a reflection of me I no longer resonate with.
What unhealthy expectations have I pinned on myself that make me go silent when I should be shouting?
I can’t fathom the answer to that question, because I could never fashion a response clever enough to convey every anxious and ecstatic part of me that screams, I want love.
I want loyalty, devotion, openness, honesty, forgiveness, thoughtfulness, attention, respect, recognition, patience, persistence, happiness, romance, stability, clarity, balance, sacrifices, compromises, and an ear attached to a soul that begs to hear me.
I want simplicity wrapped in subtle complexity. I want honest expression fueled by burning passion. I want a soul who is always present when I am near and if time travel is an option, we do it together. I want a world where the nature of duality is praised and fear of the unknown is shunned, because there is no unknown. I want a world where there is no fear. I want resolution. I want healing. I want effective communication. I want answers to always result in more questions. I want selflessness as a result of selfishness. I want to remember all that I am. I want to see everyone for all that they are. I want a reality as beautiful and as frightening as my dreams.
Have I wanted for too much? Do I want for too much?